| Ad Nauseum: Breaking Down the Super Bowl Spots Murphy The Goat |
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Each year, dozens of companies spend millions of dollars to get their new ads seen by most of the people in the free world. And each year, a bunch of
critics, bloggers and other people with nothing better to do waste hours breaking down the footage. Hell, in many cases, like Super Bowl XL, the
commercials are actually more entertaining than the game. But, you ask, shouldn’t the hype surrounding the ads be reserved for women, E!, and dudes
who listen to Cher? Yes, I answer. But I’ve come down with a bad case of vaginitis and ever since that unfortunate little incident at work, I’ve got a
whole lot of free time. I mean, you bust your hump 28 hours a week for a couple of months and they get all upset when you show up drunk one
afternoon. Equal employment, my ass! Well, in any case, I watched the Super Commercials in between the game and the halftime performance by the old
bearded dude who used to be Tom Petty and I’ve come up with the best, the worst and the ‘tweeners (none of them are in any particular order, as that kind
of organization takes not only time, but effort; while time is something I’ve got an abundance of, motivation and ambition are in short supply). Shoo, son, I
even broke down the movie trailers. And if you agree or disagree with any of my opinions, I’d love to hear from you; just email the site. Just make sure
you pull your head out of your ass first.
Hell
Toyota Corolla
This ad aimed to demonstrate how quiet the cabin of the new Corolla is; hell, firing a canon right outside the car didn’t even wake the nursing mama badger
inside. What it really demonstrated is that the folks at Toyota have no concept of what is funny, let alone who their target market is. Who drives Corollas,
40-something women and high school kids who borrow their mom’s ride? This commercial should be running during The View or Tyra, not the freaking
Super Bowl; the audiences of those shows are too vapid or too concerned with clipping coupons to care that the commercial is crap.
CareerBuilder.com
The image of a heart leaping out of a woman’s chest and walking around was just odd, and that’s coming from a guy who calls himself Murphy the Goat.
Sobe Life Water
This one started out pretty well: Naomi Campbell strutting out in a miniskirt. About 5 seconds in, though, it got weird and stayed weird. I once
choreographed a synchronized swimming routine that closely mirrored the Thriller video, but that was 8 years ago and involved a lot of beer. This
commercial featured a former supermodel, several CGI lizards, and a lot of fancy water. My routine was funny and edgy, this commercial was freaking
stupid.
Amp Energy
Dude jump-starts a stalled car on the side of the road by attaching the jumper cables to his nurples and taking a couple slugs of Amp Energy. Oh, did I
mention that the dude is a bit portly? And that his towtruck has a speaker setup akin to something from Pimp My Ride? And that he does some kind of fat
guy breakdance while Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” plays in the background? And that ol’ boy’s nurples are smoking when he removes the cables from them?
And that I had my IQ tested after watching this spot and found that it had actually dropped 5 points since I last had it tested?
Dell XPS
A dude walks down the street holding a laptop and everyone along the way is congratulating him. Uh-huh. Oh, but it’s a Dell laptop. And not just any
Dell, but a red Dell, which means that the guy who bought it helped to contribute to the world AIDS fund. So I guess that means a minute portion of the
profit from the sale of his laptop went to help educate people in Africa. Maybe his Dell purchase helped to buy a condom for someone, or maybe it went to
pay the salary of a sex educator who will teach people that using leaves or sand to dry the vaginal canal before intercourse is a BAD idea (seriously, I
couldn’t make these things up if I tried).
Garmin
I just thought this one was pointless, but that’s probably because I don’t really know anything about Napoleon, aside from the fact that he was really short
and that he loved waterparks (see Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure). Did he get lost on the way to the Waterloo or something? I’m sure there’s an
historical reference that, if grasped by yours truly, would illuminate the meaning of this ad and force me to remove it from my list. Or maybe, even if I
understood it, it would still suck.
Purgatory
Bud Light
This commercial would have received no mention at all if hadn’t been the very first one during the game and if it hadn’t been a total rip-off of the
commercial for the DQ Flamethrower burger. Anheuser-Busch used to be at the cutting edge of comedy in commercials, but it seems that they’re now
content to cater to all the mouth-breathers out there who think Carlos Mencia is funny and original. Wait, don’t they actually use Mencia in their ads?
Yeah, he was actually in one that aired later in the game. At least they did have a return to hilarity in an ad that I will talk about later.
Audi
I was ready to lock this one into the crap pile when I realized that it was a Godfather spoof. I knew when I first saw it that it was referencing something, I
just couldn’t think of what. My first thought was that it was a terrible shame that a commercial for such a bad-ass luxury sports car was placed in the
hands of admen who rode the short bus to work. Time has proven that I was a bit hasty in my judgment, but I still don’t really like the spot. In any case,
the car is the only thing that makes the commercial moderately cool.
Sales Genie
These commercials seemed to be throwbacks to the days when exaggerating racial stereotypes with caricature cartoons was totally acceptable. While I’m
all for stereotypes and making fun of people who are different, I don’t know that it has a place in a company’s ad strategy.
Pepsi Stuff
The people I was watching the game with thought this one was great, which is why it’s not in the Good list. Justin Timberlake gets racked by a mailbox
post, which is why it’s not on the Bad list.
GoDaddy.com
This commercial was clever in that it pretty much forced viewers to log on to the website to see Danica Patrick’s “exposure.” Cliffhangers are great, so
long as the jump is worth it. In this case, it was…ehh. I didn’t go to GoDaddy.com right away, but I made it there on Monday, so the commercial
accomplished its main objective. They made some stabs at slutty celebrities who flash beav at the paparazzi and the word “beaver” is uttered several times,
most notably by Danica herself.
Under Armor
These guys got famous making really tight undershirts for athletes, so it’s only natural that they’d branch out into footwear. What’s not natural is spending
$5.4 million to announce this fact to the world. If I bought a $5.4 million roll of toilet paper and used it to wipe my ass, I’d feel like the investment was put
to better use. In both cases, the money would get flushed down the toilet, but at least mine wouldn’t get viewed by a billion people.
Heaven
Diet Pepsi Max
This commercial was great from beginning to end. It was witty, funny (the dude with the combover was phenomenal; if only he had been wearing a
Purdue Basketball shirt), had a plot, featured several celeb cameos (Busta Rhymes, LL Cool J, Missy Elliot), and even had a twist at the end (Chris Kattan).
Of course, it didn’t hurt that I had actually watched Night At The Roxbury earlier in the day, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that this ad was dope.
Tide To Go
The talking stain was pretty cool, and it made a good point. Of course, even if that cat had been wearing a clean shirt, his interviewer would surely have
been distracted by his trailer-park haircut. And I still have not been able to figure out if the stain is speaking a real language or just gibberish. Of course,
isn’t anything other than good ol’ American English just gibberish anyway?
Bridgestone
The first commercial, the one with the animals, was decent, but bringing Dick Simmons into the mix elevated this ad to a whole ‘nother level.
Bud Light/Semi-Pro
Nobody does exaggerated machismo better than Patrick Swayze, but if anyone comes close, it’s Will Ferrell. A white dude rocking and afro and nut-
hugger basketball shorts is funny on its own, but when the dude in question is hawking Bud Light with the taglines: “A magical blend of barley, hops, and
delicious alcohol,” “refreshes the palette. . .and the loins,” and “suck one,” it’s pure magic.
Victoria’s Secret
This spot wasn’t particularly clever or elaborate, but it featured a smokin’ hot chick in lingerie playing with a football and staring longingly at the camera.
Personally, I think VS should have dressed Giselle up in a lacy little number, as she would have earned them several minutes of free airtime.
Planters
An ugly troll of a woman turns the head of every man she passes, all because she rubbed a cashew on her pressure points. The unibrow and Cindy
Crawford mole were nice touches. It’s not often that an advertiser will use a hideously disgusting person to sell their product, which is why this ad made
the list.
Movies
Ironman
I voiced aloud my wishes for an Ironman trailer and my wishes were granted. Though not as extensive or as badass as the internet trailer, this one was still
boner-inducing (but just out of general excitement and not any kind of weird homo-erotic longing for Tony Stark, Ironman, or Robert Downey Jr.).
Jumper
Though I’d like to see this flick, I’m kind of getting tired of the previews. I honestly though it had been released, like, 3 weeks ago.
Wanted
I had head absolutely nothing about this heading into Super Sunday, so the trailer caught me off-guard. It looks pretty cool though, almost like Matrix or
Equilibrium. I’m not a big Angelina Jolie fan, but she does have an undeniable appeal.
Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Looks great, and it’s got multiple built-in audiences: fans of the book series, fans of the first movie, and Christian fanatics who will buy tickets in the hopes
that this flick and it’s Christian values will overtake heretical productions like Harry Potter and The Dana Jacobson Story.
Wall-E
I don’t even know why they put out trailers for these movies. Just telling people that a new Pixar movie is being released is like getting a license to print
money.
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
Looks like Adam Sandler is stepping back into the uber-cheesy comedy again. I can’t that this looks good at all, but I’m reasonable sure I’ll go see it.
Leatherheads
The jury is still out on this one. Clooney’s been spending so much time trying to make hard-hitting films that he may have lost touch with his comedic
timing. In the end, though, he’s still George Clooney, which means he usually picks good movies to make. A lot of guys will want to see this because it’s
a football movie and a lot of women will want to see it because of GC.
Well, that was exhausting. If you weren't sick of me after the opening paragraph, I'm sure you hate me by now. Hell, I've got a great deal of self-
loathing as it is, so I would completely understand your feelings. But before you go getting angry with me for dragging you through this article, think about
the advertisers. They're the ones who you should be blaming. They're the ones who spent countless millions of dollars just to get you to buy the crap
they're producing. It's because of them that I took 8 hours out of my day to compile this thing, and it's because of them my ass hurts from sitting in this
cheap office chair, the padding of which is too compressed to be comfortable for more than 30 minutes. I don't know about you, but I need to go take a
shower; I can smell the Fromunda cheese through my sweats.
critics, bloggers and other people with nothing better to do waste hours breaking down the footage. Hell, in many cases, like Super Bowl XL, the
commercials are actually more entertaining than the game. But, you ask, shouldn’t the hype surrounding the ads be reserved for women, E!, and dudes
who listen to Cher? Yes, I answer. But I’ve come down with a bad case of vaginitis and ever since that unfortunate little incident at work, I’ve got a
whole lot of free time. I mean, you bust your hump 28 hours a week for a couple of months and they get all upset when you show up drunk one
afternoon. Equal employment, my ass! Well, in any case, I watched the Super Commercials in between the game and the halftime performance by the old
bearded dude who used to be Tom Petty and I’ve come up with the best, the worst and the ‘tweeners (none of them are in any particular order, as that kind
of organization takes not only time, but effort; while time is something I’ve got an abundance of, motivation and ambition are in short supply). Shoo, son, I
even broke down the movie trailers. And if you agree or disagree with any of my opinions, I’d love to hear from you; just email the site. Just make sure
you pull your head out of your ass first.
Hell
Toyota Corolla
This ad aimed to demonstrate how quiet the cabin of the new Corolla is; hell, firing a canon right outside the car didn’t even wake the nursing mama badger
inside. What it really demonstrated is that the folks at Toyota have no concept of what is funny, let alone who their target market is. Who drives Corollas,
40-something women and high school kids who borrow their mom’s ride? This commercial should be running during The View or Tyra, not the freaking
Super Bowl; the audiences of those shows are too vapid or too concerned with clipping coupons to care that the commercial is crap.
CareerBuilder.com
The image of a heart leaping out of a woman’s chest and walking around was just odd, and that’s coming from a guy who calls himself Murphy the Goat.
Sobe Life Water
This one started out pretty well: Naomi Campbell strutting out in a miniskirt. About 5 seconds in, though, it got weird and stayed weird. I once
choreographed a synchronized swimming routine that closely mirrored the Thriller video, but that was 8 years ago and involved a lot of beer. This
commercial featured a former supermodel, several CGI lizards, and a lot of fancy water. My routine was funny and edgy, this commercial was freaking
stupid.
Amp Energy
Dude jump-starts a stalled car on the side of the road by attaching the jumper cables to his nurples and taking a couple slugs of Amp Energy. Oh, did I
mention that the dude is a bit portly? And that his towtruck has a speaker setup akin to something from Pimp My Ride? And that he does some kind of fat
guy breakdance while Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” plays in the background? And that ol’ boy’s nurples are smoking when he removes the cables from them?
And that I had my IQ tested after watching this spot and found that it had actually dropped 5 points since I last had it tested?
Dell XPS
A dude walks down the street holding a laptop and everyone along the way is congratulating him. Uh-huh. Oh, but it’s a Dell laptop. And not just any
Dell, but a red Dell, which means that the guy who bought it helped to contribute to the world AIDS fund. So I guess that means a minute portion of the
profit from the sale of his laptop went to help educate people in Africa. Maybe his Dell purchase helped to buy a condom for someone, or maybe it went to
pay the salary of a sex educator who will teach people that using leaves or sand to dry the vaginal canal before intercourse is a BAD idea (seriously, I
couldn’t make these things up if I tried).
Garmin
I just thought this one was pointless, but that’s probably because I don’t really know anything about Napoleon, aside from the fact that he was really short
and that he loved waterparks (see Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure). Did he get lost on the way to the Waterloo or something? I’m sure there’s an
historical reference that, if grasped by yours truly, would illuminate the meaning of this ad and force me to remove it from my list. Or maybe, even if I
understood it, it would still suck.
Purgatory
Bud Light
This commercial would have received no mention at all if hadn’t been the very first one during the game and if it hadn’t been a total rip-off of the
commercial for the DQ Flamethrower burger. Anheuser-Busch used to be at the cutting edge of comedy in commercials, but it seems that they’re now
content to cater to all the mouth-breathers out there who think Carlos Mencia is funny and original. Wait, don’t they actually use Mencia in their ads?
Yeah, he was actually in one that aired later in the game. At least they did have a return to hilarity in an ad that I will talk about later.
Audi
I was ready to lock this one into the crap pile when I realized that it was a Godfather spoof. I knew when I first saw it that it was referencing something, I
just couldn’t think of what. My first thought was that it was a terrible shame that a commercial for such a bad-ass luxury sports car was placed in the
hands of admen who rode the short bus to work. Time has proven that I was a bit hasty in my judgment, but I still don’t really like the spot. In any case,
the car is the only thing that makes the commercial moderately cool.
Sales Genie
These commercials seemed to be throwbacks to the days when exaggerating racial stereotypes with caricature cartoons was totally acceptable. While I’m
all for stereotypes and making fun of people who are different, I don’t know that it has a place in a company’s ad strategy.
Pepsi Stuff
The people I was watching the game with thought this one was great, which is why it’s not in the Good list. Justin Timberlake gets racked by a mailbox
post, which is why it’s not on the Bad list.
GoDaddy.com
This commercial was clever in that it pretty much forced viewers to log on to the website to see Danica Patrick’s “exposure.” Cliffhangers are great, so
long as the jump is worth it. In this case, it was…ehh. I didn’t go to GoDaddy.com right away, but I made it there on Monday, so the commercial
accomplished its main objective. They made some stabs at slutty celebrities who flash beav at the paparazzi and the word “beaver” is uttered several times,
most notably by Danica herself.
Under Armor
These guys got famous making really tight undershirts for athletes, so it’s only natural that they’d branch out into footwear. What’s not natural is spending
$5.4 million to announce this fact to the world. If I bought a $5.4 million roll of toilet paper and used it to wipe my ass, I’d feel like the investment was put
to better use. In both cases, the money would get flushed down the toilet, but at least mine wouldn’t get viewed by a billion people.
Heaven
Diet Pepsi Max
This commercial was great from beginning to end. It was witty, funny (the dude with the combover was phenomenal; if only he had been wearing a
Purdue Basketball shirt), had a plot, featured several celeb cameos (Busta Rhymes, LL Cool J, Missy Elliot), and even had a twist at the end (Chris Kattan).
Of course, it didn’t hurt that I had actually watched Night At The Roxbury earlier in the day, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that this ad was dope.
Tide To Go
The talking stain was pretty cool, and it made a good point. Of course, even if that cat had been wearing a clean shirt, his interviewer would surely have
been distracted by his trailer-park haircut. And I still have not been able to figure out if the stain is speaking a real language or just gibberish. Of course,
isn’t anything other than good ol’ American English just gibberish anyway?
Bridgestone
The first commercial, the one with the animals, was decent, but bringing Dick Simmons into the mix elevated this ad to a whole ‘nother level.
Bud Light/Semi-Pro
Nobody does exaggerated machismo better than Patrick Swayze, but if anyone comes close, it’s Will Ferrell. A white dude rocking and afro and nut-
hugger basketball shorts is funny on its own, but when the dude in question is hawking Bud Light with the taglines: “A magical blend of barley, hops, and
delicious alcohol,” “refreshes the palette. . .and the loins,” and “suck one,” it’s pure magic.
Victoria’s Secret
This spot wasn’t particularly clever or elaborate, but it featured a smokin’ hot chick in lingerie playing with a football and staring longingly at the camera.
Personally, I think VS should have dressed Giselle up in a lacy little number, as she would have earned them several minutes of free airtime.
Planters
An ugly troll of a woman turns the head of every man she passes, all because she rubbed a cashew on her pressure points. The unibrow and Cindy
Crawford mole were nice touches. It’s not often that an advertiser will use a hideously disgusting person to sell their product, which is why this ad made
the list.
Movies
Ironman
I voiced aloud my wishes for an Ironman trailer and my wishes were granted. Though not as extensive or as badass as the internet trailer, this one was still
boner-inducing (but just out of general excitement and not any kind of weird homo-erotic longing for Tony Stark, Ironman, or Robert Downey Jr.).
Jumper
Though I’d like to see this flick, I’m kind of getting tired of the previews. I honestly though it had been released, like, 3 weeks ago.
Wanted
I had head absolutely nothing about this heading into Super Sunday, so the trailer caught me off-guard. It looks pretty cool though, almost like Matrix or
Equilibrium. I’m not a big Angelina Jolie fan, but she does have an undeniable appeal.
Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Looks great, and it’s got multiple built-in audiences: fans of the book series, fans of the first movie, and Christian fanatics who will buy tickets in the hopes
that this flick and it’s Christian values will overtake heretical productions like Harry Potter and The Dana Jacobson Story.
Wall-E
I don’t even know why they put out trailers for these movies. Just telling people that a new Pixar movie is being released is like getting a license to print
money.
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
Looks like Adam Sandler is stepping back into the uber-cheesy comedy again. I can’t that this looks good at all, but I’m reasonable sure I’ll go see it.
Leatherheads
The jury is still out on this one. Clooney’s been spending so much time trying to make hard-hitting films that he may have lost touch with his comedic
timing. In the end, though, he’s still George Clooney, which means he usually picks good movies to make. A lot of guys will want to see this because it’s
a football movie and a lot of women will want to see it because of GC.
Well, that was exhausting. If you weren't sick of me after the opening paragraph, I'm sure you hate me by now. Hell, I've got a great deal of self-
loathing as it is, so I would completely understand your feelings. But before you go getting angry with me for dragging you through this article, think about
the advertisers. They're the ones who you should be blaming. They're the ones who spent countless millions of dollars just to get you to buy the crap
they're producing. It's because of them that I took 8 hours out of my day to compile this thing, and it's because of them my ass hurts from sitting in this
cheap office chair, the padding of which is too compressed to be comfortable for more than 30 minutes. I don't know about you, but I need to go take a
shower; I can smell the Fromunda cheese through my sweats.
| View all the ads at www.myspace.com/superbowlads |
 |