Murphy the Goat
2 a : DOUBLE 2a b : ALTER EGO b c : a person who has the same name as another
Wouldn't it be cool to meet your twin? It's one thing to be told that you look like someone, but it'd be entirely different to actually run into someone who looked just like you. Unless that person happened to be you evil twin, whose sole purpose was to eliminate you and then take your place in life. Of course, if that scenario played out as it has ad infinitum in TV shows, the doppelganger would have a physical trait that made it easily distinguisable to the viewing audience but that somehow went completely unnoticed by those closest to the original person. For instance, I have a mole on the right side of my face. If I had a doppelganger, he might have a mole on the left side of his face. Wouldn't that cause some serious issues?
Well I'm here to tell you that it would and it has. We are seeing the tragic consequences of Doppelganger Displacement, which I will further refer to as "Double D" right now in San Francisco. The man you see ESPN's Pedro Gomez stalking, er, reporting on every night on SportsCenter may bear a striking resemblance to Barry Bonds, but I've discovered that the man who's about to be indicted on charges of tax evasion and perjury is actual Barry's evil twin from another dimension. How else could you explain the changes in his power numbers, the sudden weight fluctuation, the books bearing his name that have inexplicably risen to the top of every bestseller list? Wait, was I talking about Barry Bonds or Oprah Winfrey? Oprah can't hit a baseball quite as far, but I'm almost certain that Barry's stamp of approval would not be enough to land a TV deal for Phil McGraw. But I digress.
Ah, but I digress once again; man, this Virginia Woolf stream-of-consciousness shit is really a bitch to follow. Ah, yes, back to Barry and his ten-gallon head. For those of us who still remember the days when a lithe young man patrolled the outfield in Pittsburgh alongside Andy Van Slyke and Bobby Bonilla, it's clear that the behemoth now blasting baseball bombs into the Bay is not the same man. When you watched Duck Tales, you always knew who the Beagle Boys were by their inmate tags; even when they were in disguise, those numbered tags were always hanging around their necks. [Side note: next to Donald Trump, Scrooge McDuck has got to be the dumbest rich dude ever. Scrooge could never recognize the Boys, though it was clear to everyone else. Likewise, The Donald seems to be oblivious to the fact that he's got the worst hairdo this side of Gene Keady.] In South Park, the people from the evil alternate dimension all had mustaches. In the case of Bonds, it's his domepiece. With the possible exceptions of Padres skipper Bruce Bochy, Smirnoff-swilling former Trailblazer Arvydas Sabonis, and Jason Kidd's son TJ, I don't think there's a human being on earth with a grape as big as Barry's. How else do you explain this but Double D?
It's clear to this intrepid reporter that Barry Bonds was replaced several years ago by an evil counterpart, a being hellbent on besmirching Barry's good name and on laying waste to baseball's venerable records. It is my solemn pledge to you, Faithful Reader, that I will do everything in my power to ensure that this villain is brought to justice and the truth about Bonds is revealed. This whole indictment thing is going to get in the way, but I will not be deterred in my completion of this mission. Mark my words (but if you could use pencil and maybe just mark the words on scrap paper, that would be great; thanks): I will get to the bottom of this.