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Fair-Weather Johnsons
(Not to be confused with Bad-Weather Breasts)
Skippy McMannis |
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| Did I really just use Hootie and the Blowfish to title my first article? Yikes, this has bad news written all over it. |
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| With the recent rise of the Colorado Rockies and (cringe) Arizona Diamondbacks, there has been a lot of dialogue about so-called fair-weather fans. Let’s put part of this conversation to rest and be honest: there is nothing wrong, in theory, with being a fair-weather fan. I have no problem with the fact that half of the hats worn in Denver this week and in the World Series will most likely still have the tags or stickers attached. There is nothing wrong with showing support for a team that has come out of nowhere. America loves an underdog and that goes exponentially higher if that dog happens to be in your own backyard. |
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Denver and the entire state of Colorado should be jumping on this ever-filling bandwagon. This team has only existed since 1993 and this is only the second time it has ever made the postseason. The Broncos are terrible right now and hockey is barely underway (and thus months away from the playoffs and anything interesting beyond someone getting knifed on the ice), so they need something. It would be a bit more fitting to see a group feel the same about the Diamondbacks. Apparently you need Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling for anyone to care down in the southwest.
I bring all of this up because there are some fans that seriously need to be nipped in the bud right the hell now. First, anyone outside of the northeast that is going to claim lifelong Celtic fandom, stop it right now. If you want to wear a Kevin Garnett jersey, go for it. If you want to root for them this season, go for it. But do not, I repeat DO NOT try to tell me you rooted for them at all post-Larry Legend. You didn’t care, and neither did anyone else. If you are in the state of Indiana, this goes double for you. You rooted for the hometown boy; I get that, I did the same thing. But, miracle of miracles, as soon as he retires the Pacers became relevant you saw no more Celtic green. I know I will run into some idiot that will be waving the banner that the Celtic glory days are back. He’ll be the loudest moron in the bar…until Ray Allen breaks an ankle. And then he’ll disappear until, low and behold, they make a playoff run. This is the same guy that each year has a different college basketball team that he has been rooting for “all his life.” You know, the guy that was a huge Kentucky fan in 1996, and somehow later on was a huge Duke fan around 1999-2001. Christian Laettner would be spinning in his grave. (I know he is alive, but in terms of basketball relevance, he is dead.) |
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This brings me to the second group, which happens to be college fans of any sort. You are all annoying, whether you are fair-weather, alumni or just a life-long diehard. Just get over it and live with it. The guy next to you rooting for UCLA thinks you’re just as freaking annoying as you think he is so just learn to accept this fact. There are, however, some exceptions to this rule. Ohio State fan: shut the hell up! Yes, you won a college football national title…with one of the biggest embarrassments to any program ever in Maurice “Get-Goosed-Up-and-Drive-Around-With-4-Guns-and-a-Hatchett” Clarett. And you most likely have a very, very, very dirty program on your hands. If USC gets nailed for Reggie Bush and you get to keep your title, something is horribly wrong.
But let’s get back to our fair-weather fans specifically. I have defended you and thus you owe me and the rest of us some things in return for my kindness. You may talk sports, but understand your knowledge is most likely limited. Do not annoy those diehard fans who have actually suffered through the highs and lows and know every painful statistic. You may say “Go Cubs” or “How bout them |
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Cowboys!” but do not talk about how much better T.O. is than Randy Moss, or how the Bulls need to acquire Kobe Bryant. You don’t know, so stop talking about it. Furthermore, you in no way have any right to a good seat at Buffalo Wild Wings or your specific local sports bars. You are allowed to high five and cheer with everyone else, but keep it to a minimum so as to not distract the rest of us who are chewing on towels out of nervousness.
Finally, Fair-weather Johnson, I would just like to say that you do have a place with the diehards, as everyone has to start somewhere. Teams need you to help sell out stadiums and sell hats and jerseys. Do remember, however, that you are on about the same level as an 8-year-old kid and know roughly as much. But if you’re rooting for the Patriots this year and next year we catch you rooting for the Colts or Packers, you’re getting lynched by your testicles. |
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| (Ladies: if you’re hot, 90% of the above does not apply to you. If you’re not, we don’t care anyhow.) |
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