| Is [Tiger] In You? Murphy The Goat |
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Before now, only Elin could answer that question in the affirmative. That all changed today, when it was
announced that Tiger Woods is soon going to have his own flavor(s) of Gatorade. The honor and privilege of
capturing America’s favorite duffer in liquid form had been hotly contested between Gatorade (link) and Vitamin
Water (link). Gatorade, a division of PepsiCo, knew they had defeated their Coca-Cola-owned rivals when Tiger
was seen quaffing their tasty beverages during tournaments at which Gatorade products were not available.
Gatorade’s efforts might have been aided by initial reports that the new flavor would be a combination of overly-
sweetened grape drink with a hint of sweet-n-sour sauce and an aftertaste reminiscent of freshly-minted
hundred-dollar bills . In order to achieve a taste unrivaled in the sports-beverage world, it has been rumored
that Gatorade Tiger will be created by blending proprietary flavors with morning dew from the 18th green at
Augusta. Since Vitamin Water is already producing a grape-flavored drink named after a superstar who has more
money than he knows what to do with, they were likely a little gun-shy (pun intended) about entering into an
agreement with Woods.
Tiger is being added to a stable that already includes such stars as Peyton Manning, Mia Hamm, Derek Jeter,
and Michael Jordan. Vitamin Water has been gaining quite a bit of notoriety, however, with their cast of Brian
Urlacher (who was slapped by the NFL with a 6-figure fine for rocking a Vitamin Water lid at a pre-Super Bowl
presser) David Wright, 50 Cent, and, gulp, Kelly Clarkson . Somewhat of an also-ran in the competition for sports-
drink supremacy is Powerade, which boasts LeBron James, NASCAR, and NHRA among its spokespeople. Though
he has not yet announced it publicly, rumblings from Fiddy’s entourage indicate that he will offer a challenge to
Tiger in the near future: if Gatorade Tiger outsells Formula 50, the rapper is going to retire from the drink-
inspiring game. Since the street date for Tiger’s drink is set for sometime in March, it’ll be a while before we see
the results of the competition. I don’t know about you, but I can hardly wait to have Tiger Woods in my mouth.
If it suddenly seems like almost everyone is getting their own flavor of sports drink these days, that’s probably
because it’s true. In light of the recent developments, I wanted to take a look at the other possibilities for
athlete-and-entertainer-inspired performance beverages:
Travis Henry: “Virility”
Made from bong water infused with the natural flavors of unprotected sex and ink from child-support checks.
Floyd Landis: “The B Sample”
The purest water from French Alps is mixed with flat champagne and a “B” urine sample (for yellow color) and
then mixed with all-natural, organic ingredients to give it the tastes of false indignation and Lance Armstrong’s
shadow. This beverage is mixed solely by hand, eschewing all electric devices in the Amish tradition.
OJ Simpson: “The Juice”
Orange juice, blended with a hint of leather glove and maniacal rage. Amazingly enough, while it looks and
smells guilty, it tastes innocent.
Mike Vick: “Bad Newz Brew”
This drink is created by flavoring puppy tears with the essences of prison-issued soap, wet dog, and shame.
Before opening, drop collectible bottles (complete with hidden storage compartment) from shoulder level to
simulate a fall from grace.
Brittney Spears: “Pop Star”
Brewed from the finest Louisiana bog water, this beverage is heavily flavored with White Trash, and contains
hints of parental neglect and insanity. It’s a guilty pleasure when you start drinking it, but becomes more
tasteless and unappealing the more you drink.
Flava Flav: “Flavor of Flav”
A malt beverage, FoF has an aroma of inexplicable celebrity and it tastes like Brigitte Nielsen after a week-long
meth-and-vodka bender in Amsterdam.
Barry Bonds: “Blimp Juice”
Water from the San Francisco Bay is infused with extracts from the world’s largest grapes and melons, then
flavored with flaxseed oil, arthritis balm, and clomid. There are, however, no ingredients listed on the bottle; that
way, you’re never knowingly ingesting anything in particular.
Hugh Hefner: “Fountain of Youth”
To create this libation, creators store water in open vats until it grows stagnant and undrinkable by most
standards. Then it is combined with fresh, exotic fruit juices and a vitamin and chemical blend of guarana,
ginseng, B-12, sildenafil citrate, and tadalafil.
For a full list of Vitamin Water’s “friends,” click here.
http://www.glaceau.com
announced that Tiger Woods is soon going to have his own flavor(s) of Gatorade. The honor and privilege of
capturing America’s favorite duffer in liquid form had been hotly contested between Gatorade (link) and Vitamin
Water (link). Gatorade, a division of PepsiCo, knew they had defeated their Coca-Cola-owned rivals when Tiger
was seen quaffing their tasty beverages during tournaments at which Gatorade products were not available.
Gatorade’s efforts might have been aided by initial reports that the new flavor would be a combination of overly-
sweetened grape drink with a hint of sweet-n-sour sauce and an aftertaste reminiscent of freshly-minted
hundred-dollar bills . In order to achieve a taste unrivaled in the sports-beverage world, it has been rumored
that Gatorade Tiger will be created by blending proprietary flavors with morning dew from the 18th green at
Augusta. Since Vitamin Water is already producing a grape-flavored drink named after a superstar who has more
money than he knows what to do with, they were likely a little gun-shy (pun intended) about entering into an
agreement with Woods.
Tiger is being added to a stable that already includes such stars as Peyton Manning, Mia Hamm, Derek Jeter,
and Michael Jordan. Vitamin Water has been gaining quite a bit of notoriety, however, with their cast of Brian
Urlacher (who was slapped by the NFL with a 6-figure fine for rocking a Vitamin Water lid at a pre-Super Bowl
presser) David Wright, 50 Cent, and, gulp, Kelly Clarkson . Somewhat of an also-ran in the competition for sports-
drink supremacy is Powerade, which boasts LeBron James, NASCAR, and NHRA among its spokespeople. Though
he has not yet announced it publicly, rumblings from Fiddy’s entourage indicate that he will offer a challenge to
Tiger in the near future: if Gatorade Tiger outsells Formula 50, the rapper is going to retire from the drink-
inspiring game. Since the street date for Tiger’s drink is set for sometime in March, it’ll be a while before we see
the results of the competition. I don’t know about you, but I can hardly wait to have Tiger Woods in my mouth.
If it suddenly seems like almost everyone is getting their own flavor of sports drink these days, that’s probably
because it’s true. In light of the recent developments, I wanted to take a look at the other possibilities for
athlete-and-entertainer-inspired performance beverages:
Travis Henry: “Virility”
Made from bong water infused with the natural flavors of unprotected sex and ink from child-support checks.
Floyd Landis: “The B Sample”
The purest water from French Alps is mixed with flat champagne and a “B” urine sample (for yellow color) and
then mixed with all-natural, organic ingredients to give it the tastes of false indignation and Lance Armstrong’s
shadow. This beverage is mixed solely by hand, eschewing all electric devices in the Amish tradition.
OJ Simpson: “The Juice”
Orange juice, blended with a hint of leather glove and maniacal rage. Amazingly enough, while it looks and
smells guilty, it tastes innocent.
Mike Vick: “Bad Newz Brew”
This drink is created by flavoring puppy tears with the essences of prison-issued soap, wet dog, and shame.
Before opening, drop collectible bottles (complete with hidden storage compartment) from shoulder level to
simulate a fall from grace.
Brittney Spears: “Pop Star”
Brewed from the finest Louisiana bog water, this beverage is heavily flavored with White Trash, and contains
hints of parental neglect and insanity. It’s a guilty pleasure when you start drinking it, but becomes more
tasteless and unappealing the more you drink.
Flava Flav: “Flavor of Flav”
A malt beverage, FoF has an aroma of inexplicable celebrity and it tastes like Brigitte Nielsen after a week-long
meth-and-vodka bender in Amsterdam.
Barry Bonds: “Blimp Juice”
Water from the San Francisco Bay is infused with extracts from the world’s largest grapes and melons, then
flavored with flaxseed oil, arthritis balm, and clomid. There are, however, no ingredients listed on the bottle; that
way, you’re never knowingly ingesting anything in particular.
Hugh Hefner: “Fountain of Youth”
To create this libation, creators store water in open vats until it grows stagnant and undrinkable by most
standards. Then it is combined with fresh, exotic fruit juices and a vitamin and chemical blend of guarana,
ginseng, B-12, sildenafil citrate, and tadalafil.
For a full list of Vitamin Water’s “friends,” click here.
http://www.glaceau.com