| The Jerk Circle IV Where no man is more valuable than any other, because we're all equally worthless |
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| We might get around to adding Baroni at some point. |
We were almost to print with this edition when Skippy finally submitted his answers. His mommy had kept him off the computer for nearly a week after
she found 2chicks1cup.com on his browser history (damn that Net Nanny program). But, if you ask me, I think Skippy intended to be last the whole
time; after all, the last guy has to eat the cracker (if you don't understand this reference, please email us; or don't, since you really don't want to know
what it means). In any case, we’ve decided to bring our newbie on board. Bob “Best Eva” Baroni is bringing you his insights from all the way over in
Illinois, which is so far from us here in Indy, it’s almost like a foreign country.
Barry Bonds has been indicted on perjury charges. Is justice being served?
MG: Not really. I mean, this is kind of like catching Al Capone on tax evasion charges. Or like getting a hand job when your girlfriend is having her period. You’
re getting something, but you’re well aware that there’s a lot more there that you just can’t have.
BL: About as much as it can. Since we all know he did it, they had to do something official since Bud and the good ole boys looked the other way as balls went
over the fences for 5 years like kids in a small subdivision back yard hitting a whiffle ball. Then when they find out he’s gonna break the records they start
testing and get all scared about the sanctity of the game like they had no clue what was going on. Now if he hits Pedro Gomez with his bat live on tv and gets
charged with assault, that would make it more interesting. If they will pay me $100,000 a year, I will begin the painstaking process of redacting from the record
books every pitch, hit, walk, K, and HR that every guy who might have done steroids had in the last 15 years. Then all the old timers will have all the records
again and all will be right with the world. Except now the games take 4 hours to play.
WR: Not really, I mean this is a guy who's lied for years about cheating on his wife, not paying taxes and steroids. I don't blame Barry though because he's
just fitting the stereotype.
GS: It depends on your definition of justice. Is justice being served in terms of the government and Bonds breaking the law? Yes. Is justice being served in
terms of his records and baseball accomplishments? No. Justice will not be served until Hank Aaron is once again recognized by all as the all time home run
king.
SW: It’s more just a shame that baseball’s all-time home run leader will be discredited for everything he has ever accomplished. Sort of like what happened to
Don Johnson when he released “Heartbeat.”
BB: My first written on this statement will be controversial, but here we go. I am a fan of Barry Bonds…yup, I said it. No doubt Bonds did steroids and other
illegal activities, but I will stand by my belief that he still would have been would have been one of the best of all-time without the juice. But no, justice will
never be served. He broke the rules in baseball and in the courtroom. If he goes to jail, I wouldn’t be suprised, he does deserve to be there after lying under
oath.
SM: I'd like to ignore this garbage, but ESPN won't let me. I just think that after years of this I have no clue how they are any closer to a conviction than
before. No smoking gun (leaky syringe? open bottle of flax seed oil?) means it won't happen and I would be a little disappointed in our justice system if he
were convicted on circumstantial evidence.
Who would rather have representing you: Scott Boras or Yale Galanter (OJ’s lawyer)?
MG: Hmmmm…both already represent a-holes, so I’d be a good client for either. But I’m going with Boras. If Scott Boras was my agent, it would mean that I
was a rich millionaire and not an ex-wife murdering memorabilia thief.
BL: Probably Boras, he has brought in more money for all his clients, with many of them never again producing like they did before the contract. Think about it,
getting paid more and working less, the new American Dream.
WR: I'm actually going to have to dig up Johnnie Cochran and take him as a Wild Card in this question. Cochran could use the Chewbacca theory and help
whatever client that was in need of assistance.
GS: Boras. What has he really done wrong? He may not be the nicest guy in the world, but at least he goes after money for his clients and for himself. After
all, isn’t what this country is all about? Until he starts defending murderers he’s okay in my book.
SW: Boras is a top-notch agent. I mean, how else could anyone receive more money for salary than was spent for the entire franchise he plays for? Perhaps it
has something to do with the fact that Dubya was owner of the Rangers at the time: his business decisions have not always been for the best.
BB: I agree you can’t beat Cochran’s Chewbacca theory. I would rather have Boras though, because he could use the argument that I would help raise a
whole city’s economic stature, and in doing so, I would secure a $1 billion deal, for writing comments like these.
SM: Boras, no question. If I've got Boras on my payroll, I am ridiculously rich already and probably playing for a team going nowhere while killing its ability to
sign other players. But then again, if I have Boras I probably don't care about much other than my bank account and getting ass. And if I happen to
"accidentally" kill someone or *gasp* get falsely accused, I'm pretty sure I could buy whatever lawyer I needed, not to mention judges and state officials.
You have 2 lines to pitch the next feel-good sports movie. Go!
MG: This one’s got it all: sex, drugs, high school football, racially divisive interpretations of the law. It’s titled “I Just Wanted to be Like R. Kelly: The Genarlow
Wilson Story”
BL: Not everyone can afford to go to college or is smart enough to be even a little educated in today’s world, for those people there is still hope: The Isiah
Thomas Story: How a Bumbling Hack with no clue “worked” his way up to be the President and Coach of the New York Knicks, a team that was once actually
mediocre. Directed by Spike Lee.
WR: Football player gets caught dog fighting and finds Jesus only its a life action Jesus who's out to kill the football player. It's kinda like Mr. and Mrs. Smith
only without the sex.
GS: The USC football program is discovered to have broken several NCAA rules including paying players, fixing grades, and distributing steroids to players. The
NCAA, in turn, disbands the program altogether and Pete Carroll “disappears” from the face of the Earth forever. Hey it might not sound like a box office hit, but
I’d sure feel good about it.
SW: One frozen grape. Two mischievous sons. The return of Ted Williams to the diamond comes with much anger and hostility. “Ted Returns” stars Rocky
Balboa’s son.
BB: There is a “perfect” world where football, basketball, and baseball are in abundance, but an uncontrollable virus infests those athletes and they become
zombie like creatures that eat themselves to death. The world is left to suffer through MLS season after season, until one day, one brave man attempts to
teach those athletes how to play American football. (Horror genre, directed by Wes Craven)
SM: The coach and my teammates will support me if I prove myself. I'm more than just a pretty face and a sex object! The Katie Hnida Story.
What is the bigger plague on its respective society: New England sports fans or wild monkeys?
MG: This is a close one. Both of the offending groups are rapidly growing in number and have little or no grasp of a recognizable spoken language. Both are
incredibly hairy and enjoy slapping women who chase them. But the monkeys have been stealing “toothpastes,” which indicates that they’ve got some sense
of hygiene. And since I find the idea of monkeys running wild in the streets of India to be the height of humor, I’m going with NE fans as the bigger plague.
Boy, my friend Tommy MacMullen is gonna be wicked pissed when he reads this; he’ll think I’m retahded.
BL: Probably the Monkeys, because they aren’t going anywhere and will probably multiply their species a few hundreds times rather rapidly with only the really
violent ones surviving to attack humanity. Give it a few years when Bruschi, Brady, Moss, Manny, Ortiz, and Garnett add a few years, get a little slower, and
start retiring. Then those Boston teams will go back to mediocrity and magically half of their huge fan base will suddenly get real interested in whoever beats
them for the championship, adding of course that they have loved the new team fahevvaa.
WR: New England sports fans because at least the monkeys use to make a half way funny show where they acted out scenes from movies on TBS. New
England brought us Fever Pitch. Don't judge me monkey!
GS: I’m going to go with the wild monkeys. The monkeys have obviously shown the potential to evolve and think for themselves. New England fans just
continue to buy into the hoopla and propaganda that is constantly being shoved down our throats by the four-letter network in the woods. The monkeys have
shown the ability the think outside the box. New England fans don’t really believe that any other areas of the country or any other teams outside of Boston
actually exist. I really wouldn’t mind coming to blows with a Bostonian named Fitz. In fact, I think I’d welcome it…….but I want no part of those wild monkeys.
SW: I gotta go with New England sports fans. Not only have they enjoyed ridiculous success as of late, but they are requesting even more films that document
their joy. They already had “Fever Pitch” and that Internet video starring The Rick. But they won’t admit to “Celtic Pride.” Something fishy is going on up in the
Northeast.
BB: This one is close, but it definitely goes to New England sports fans. Without monkeys, we wouldn’t be here, so we should respect our ancestors. Also, New
England fans are notorious for flinging poop at people…or wait…no, that’s right.
SM: Well, if Dorothy can get away from Wild Monkeys that can FLY, I think the rest of us can survive. However, NE sports fans are quickly approaching the
ranks of The Ohio State University fans when it comes to annoying. I can sooner deal with flying fecal matter before that idiotic dialect. What's worse is I can
deal with the accent if I'm watching Matt Damon and Robin Williams much more than some stupid bastard ranting about how the Pats aren't getting respect on
sports radio. You idiots are that far down the list from a monkey flinging crap. What a bunch of F***bags.
she found 2chicks1cup.com on his browser history (damn that Net Nanny program). But, if you ask me, I think Skippy intended to be last the whole
time; after all, the last guy has to eat the cracker (if you don't understand this reference, please email us; or don't, since you really don't want to know
what it means). In any case, we’ve decided to bring our newbie on board. Bob “Best Eva” Baroni is bringing you his insights from all the way over in
Illinois, which is so far from us here in Indy, it’s almost like a foreign country.
Barry Bonds has been indicted on perjury charges. Is justice being served?
MG: Not really. I mean, this is kind of like catching Al Capone on tax evasion charges. Or like getting a hand job when your girlfriend is having her period. You’
re getting something, but you’re well aware that there’s a lot more there that you just can’t have.
BL: About as much as it can. Since we all know he did it, they had to do something official since Bud and the good ole boys looked the other way as balls went
over the fences for 5 years like kids in a small subdivision back yard hitting a whiffle ball. Then when they find out he’s gonna break the records they start
testing and get all scared about the sanctity of the game like they had no clue what was going on. Now if he hits Pedro Gomez with his bat live on tv and gets
charged with assault, that would make it more interesting. If they will pay me $100,000 a year, I will begin the painstaking process of redacting from the record
books every pitch, hit, walk, K, and HR that every guy who might have done steroids had in the last 15 years. Then all the old timers will have all the records
again and all will be right with the world. Except now the games take 4 hours to play.
WR: Not really, I mean this is a guy who's lied for years about cheating on his wife, not paying taxes and steroids. I don't blame Barry though because he's
just fitting the stereotype.
GS: It depends on your definition of justice. Is justice being served in terms of the government and Bonds breaking the law? Yes. Is justice being served in
terms of his records and baseball accomplishments? No. Justice will not be served until Hank Aaron is once again recognized by all as the all time home run
king.
SW: It’s more just a shame that baseball’s all-time home run leader will be discredited for everything he has ever accomplished. Sort of like what happened to
Don Johnson when he released “Heartbeat.”
BB: My first written on this statement will be controversial, but here we go. I am a fan of Barry Bonds…yup, I said it. No doubt Bonds did steroids and other
illegal activities, but I will stand by my belief that he still would have been would have been one of the best of all-time without the juice. But no, justice will
never be served. He broke the rules in baseball and in the courtroom. If he goes to jail, I wouldn’t be suprised, he does deserve to be there after lying under
oath.
SM: I'd like to ignore this garbage, but ESPN won't let me. I just think that after years of this I have no clue how they are any closer to a conviction than
before. No smoking gun (leaky syringe? open bottle of flax seed oil?) means it won't happen and I would be a little disappointed in our justice system if he
were convicted on circumstantial evidence.
Who would rather have representing you: Scott Boras or Yale Galanter (OJ’s lawyer)?
MG: Hmmmm…both already represent a-holes, so I’d be a good client for either. But I’m going with Boras. If Scott Boras was my agent, it would mean that I
was a rich millionaire and not an ex-wife murdering memorabilia thief.
BL: Probably Boras, he has brought in more money for all his clients, with many of them never again producing like they did before the contract. Think about it,
getting paid more and working less, the new American Dream.
WR: I'm actually going to have to dig up Johnnie Cochran and take him as a Wild Card in this question. Cochran could use the Chewbacca theory and help
whatever client that was in need of assistance.
GS: Boras. What has he really done wrong? He may not be the nicest guy in the world, but at least he goes after money for his clients and for himself. After
all, isn’t what this country is all about? Until he starts defending murderers he’s okay in my book.
SW: Boras is a top-notch agent. I mean, how else could anyone receive more money for salary than was spent for the entire franchise he plays for? Perhaps it
has something to do with the fact that Dubya was owner of the Rangers at the time: his business decisions have not always been for the best.
BB: I agree you can’t beat Cochran’s Chewbacca theory. I would rather have Boras though, because he could use the argument that I would help raise a
whole city’s economic stature, and in doing so, I would secure a $1 billion deal, for writing comments like these.
SM: Boras, no question. If I've got Boras on my payroll, I am ridiculously rich already and probably playing for a team going nowhere while killing its ability to
sign other players. But then again, if I have Boras I probably don't care about much other than my bank account and getting ass. And if I happen to
"accidentally" kill someone or *gasp* get falsely accused, I'm pretty sure I could buy whatever lawyer I needed, not to mention judges and state officials.
You have 2 lines to pitch the next feel-good sports movie. Go!
MG: This one’s got it all: sex, drugs, high school football, racially divisive interpretations of the law. It’s titled “I Just Wanted to be Like R. Kelly: The Genarlow
Wilson Story”
BL: Not everyone can afford to go to college or is smart enough to be even a little educated in today’s world, for those people there is still hope: The Isiah
Thomas Story: How a Bumbling Hack with no clue “worked” his way up to be the President and Coach of the New York Knicks, a team that was once actually
mediocre. Directed by Spike Lee.
WR: Football player gets caught dog fighting and finds Jesus only its a life action Jesus who's out to kill the football player. It's kinda like Mr. and Mrs. Smith
only without the sex.
GS: The USC football program is discovered to have broken several NCAA rules including paying players, fixing grades, and distributing steroids to players. The
NCAA, in turn, disbands the program altogether and Pete Carroll “disappears” from the face of the Earth forever. Hey it might not sound like a box office hit, but
I’d sure feel good about it.
SW: One frozen grape. Two mischievous sons. The return of Ted Williams to the diamond comes with much anger and hostility. “Ted Returns” stars Rocky
Balboa’s son.
BB: There is a “perfect” world where football, basketball, and baseball are in abundance, but an uncontrollable virus infests those athletes and they become
zombie like creatures that eat themselves to death. The world is left to suffer through MLS season after season, until one day, one brave man attempts to
teach those athletes how to play American football. (Horror genre, directed by Wes Craven)
SM: The coach and my teammates will support me if I prove myself. I'm more than just a pretty face and a sex object! The Katie Hnida Story.
What is the bigger plague on its respective society: New England sports fans or wild monkeys?
MG: This is a close one. Both of the offending groups are rapidly growing in number and have little or no grasp of a recognizable spoken language. Both are
incredibly hairy and enjoy slapping women who chase them. But the monkeys have been stealing “toothpastes,” which indicates that they’ve got some sense
of hygiene. And since I find the idea of monkeys running wild in the streets of India to be the height of humor, I’m going with NE fans as the bigger plague.
Boy, my friend Tommy MacMullen is gonna be wicked pissed when he reads this; he’ll think I’m retahded.
BL: Probably the Monkeys, because they aren’t going anywhere and will probably multiply their species a few hundreds times rather rapidly with only the really
violent ones surviving to attack humanity. Give it a few years when Bruschi, Brady, Moss, Manny, Ortiz, and Garnett add a few years, get a little slower, and
start retiring. Then those Boston teams will go back to mediocrity and magically half of their huge fan base will suddenly get real interested in whoever beats
them for the championship, adding of course that they have loved the new team fahevvaa.
WR: New England sports fans because at least the monkeys use to make a half way funny show where they acted out scenes from movies on TBS. New
England brought us Fever Pitch. Don't judge me monkey!
GS: I’m going to go with the wild monkeys. The monkeys have obviously shown the potential to evolve and think for themselves. New England fans just
continue to buy into the hoopla and propaganda that is constantly being shoved down our throats by the four-letter network in the woods. The monkeys have
shown the ability the think outside the box. New England fans don’t really believe that any other areas of the country or any other teams outside of Boston
actually exist. I really wouldn’t mind coming to blows with a Bostonian named Fitz. In fact, I think I’d welcome it…….but I want no part of those wild monkeys.
SW: I gotta go with New England sports fans. Not only have they enjoyed ridiculous success as of late, but they are requesting even more films that document
their joy. They already had “Fever Pitch” and that Internet video starring The Rick. But they won’t admit to “Celtic Pride.” Something fishy is going on up in the
Northeast.
BB: This one is close, but it definitely goes to New England sports fans. Without monkeys, we wouldn’t be here, so we should respect our ancestors. Also, New
England fans are notorious for flinging poop at people…or wait…no, that’s right.
SM: Well, if Dorothy can get away from Wild Monkeys that can FLY, I think the rest of us can survive. However, NE sports fans are quickly approaching the
ranks of The Ohio State University fans when it comes to annoying. I can sooner deal with flying fecal matter before that idiotic dialect. What's worse is I can
deal with the accent if I'm watching Matt Damon and Robin Williams much more than some stupid bastard ranting about how the Pats aren't getting respect on
sports radio. You idiots are that far down the list from a monkey flinging crap. What a bunch of F***bags.