| The Jerk Circle Poop-Cup Edition |
 |  |  |  |  |  |  |
If you haven't already seen it, there's a really
disgusting video out there gaining a great deal of
notoriety; it involves two young ladies involved in
some really depraved activities. While we don't
want to get into details, there are 2 girls, 1 cup, and
some "soft serve." In any case, the video, and a
couple other events, got some water cooler talk
going between a few of us and we began to swap
funny doo-doo stories. What follows is a few of
those stories; please be warned that these may not
be fit for the faint-hearted. Hell, they may not be fit
for anyone. But when it comes down to it, poop is a
pretty funny thing. So, without further ado,
ScrubSports.com presents: the Poop-Cup Edition.
Baroni:
Mama said knock the crap out of you
I don’t really have any stories but I remember when Antonio Tarver literally knocked the crap out of Roy Jones Jr. I mean literally…Jones Jr. defecated
himself in the middle of the ring and when he awoke he was out of the ring as quick as could be with a brown spot on a pair of light blue and white trunks. That’
s a true craptastic moment in sports history.
The Goat:
Bridge over Toilet Water
Alright, so this one isn’t really mine, but it’s too good not to tell. A buddy of mine was telling me about his days as a college baseball player. He spun a
yarn about how his baseball coach had come out into the locker room and was excitedly motioning all of the players into the bathroom. Nowadays, we’d
question the motives of a father-figure type motioning younger men into a bathroom stall, but those were younger and more innocent days. In any case, the
players complied with their coach’s request and stepped 1 or 2 at a time in his recently-vacated stall. What they witnessed defied the laws of gravity and
physics and still stands as a monument to gastro-intestinal evacuation. The poop had actually formed a bridge across the toilet and was completely above the
water! Impossible, you say? I say you need to visit a few more college baseball lockerrooms.
Sheffield:
Ghetto Party
So, we were coming up with potential themes for an upcoming party at our fraternity house and eventually settled on “Ghetto Party.” Keep in mind that
this is a really WASP-y group of guys at a private liberal arts college in Indiana too. Everyone got really into it too; guys girls were decked out in beaters and
do-rags and were covered in Sharpie tattoos. We had plenty of beer and liquor, but a lot of guys had gone out and bought St. Ides or Old English 40oz
bottles. Now, as someone who has had his shard of 40’s, I was well aware of the damaging effects they can have. That’s why myself and a good friend of
mine developed the concept of the “St. Ides Combo,” which was one 40 of St. Ides High Gravity malt liquor and a 22 of St. Ides Special Brew. Special Brew was
a slightly less alcoholic, fruit flavored malt beverage. It served the purpose of maintaining a heavy buzz while tasting good at the same time. Not everyone
was hip to the idea of moderation, however, which is why this story exists.
The party had ended and everyone had retired to the “rack room” to sleep it off. I woke up around 3 or 4am to sounds of movement and hushed voices
and poked my head out of my privacy sheets to see what was going on. What I saw remains frozen in time in my memory: a dude was standing on a small
plastic step stool in the middle of the bare floor, naked, squatting to poop. He was efforting pretty good too and managed to squeeze out a couple of turds
before we finally stopped him. I eventually found a dust pan and scooped the poop up to throw it outside. A couple of guys got the offender downstairs,
where he passed out with his tongue hanging out and touching the drain of our communal shower. After all had calmed down, we discovered that there was
even more poop; the dude had actually crapped into someone’s shoe! Oh my God, it was phenomenal.
Poop N’ Rally
So a fraternity brother of mine once had a few too many drinks. “Who hasn’t though?” you ask. Well, most of us don’t end up like my boy. He’s felling
pretty blasted after a long day of drinking, so he heads to bed a little early. Meanwhile (and we found this part out much later, but it plays well here), a young
lady is across campus having a little fun of her own. She got a little boozed up and felt the desire to felate a young man in the front yard of his apartment. This
young man just happened to be a known enemy of my buddy. But anyway, back to the story. Later in the evening, he wakes up and needs to puke, so he
walks/crawls to the bathroom where he begins to vomit. Now, he’s on his hands and knees at the time, and he’s bombed, so he’s got less bowel control than
Wildfire Rage. As his stomach is heaving, he feels a great deal of warmth in his pants and realizes that he has shit himself. Another brother heard the
commotion and decided to play the role of the Good Samaritan. He took Pukey McShitsalot downstairs and got him into the shower and helped him clean up.
Well, after washing the various bodily fluids off of himself, the drunkard is feeling pretty good, so he decides to re-introduce himself to society. He somehow
manages to strike up a conversation with a young lady, mayhap the young fillie from earlier, and they began to engage in a little old-fashioned necking and
kissing. Eventually, he let his fingers to the talking, only to discover that the girl’s Aunt Flo was in town for the weekend. Nice. So basically, in the course of a
few hours, ol’ boy got plastered, threw up, pooped himself, and made out with a chick who had had another dude’s dingus in her mouth earlier in the evening.
Probably the worst night in history.
Stairway to Heavin’
Oh, almost forgot another college story. We were heading to class and were going to head down our dorm’s west stairwell but had to stop because there
was yellow tape blocking the door. Even if the tape hadn’t been there, the smell wafting toward us was enough to keep us out; I had to cover my mouth and
fight back my gorge a couple of times. Turns out, some cat just couldn’t quite make it up to his 3rd-floor room, so he just dropped trou and dropped a deuce
right there on the 2nd-floor landing. Nice.
Mama said knock the crap out of you
I don’t really have any stories but I remember when Antonio Tarver literally knocked the crap out of Roy Jones Jr. I mean literally…Jones Jr. defecated
himself in the middle of the ring and when he awoke he was out of the ring as quick as could be with a brown spot on a pair of light blue and white trunks. That’
s a true craptastic moment in sports history.
The Goat:
Bridge over Toilet Water
Alright, so this one isn’t really mine, but it’s too good not to tell. A buddy of mine was telling me about his days as a college baseball player. He spun a
yarn about how his baseball coach had come out into the locker room and was excitedly motioning all of the players into the bathroom. Nowadays, we’d
question the motives of a father-figure type motioning younger men into a bathroom stall, but those were younger and more innocent days. In any case, the
players complied with their coach’s request and stepped 1 or 2 at a time in his recently-vacated stall. What they witnessed defied the laws of gravity and
physics and still stands as a monument to gastro-intestinal evacuation. The poop had actually formed a bridge across the toilet and was completely above the
water! Impossible, you say? I say you need to visit a few more college baseball lockerrooms.
Sheffield:
Ghetto Party
So, we were coming up with potential themes for an upcoming party at our fraternity house and eventually settled on “Ghetto Party.” Keep in mind that
this is a really WASP-y group of guys at a private liberal arts college in Indiana too. Everyone got really into it too; guys girls were decked out in beaters and
do-rags and were covered in Sharpie tattoos. We had plenty of beer and liquor, but a lot of guys had gone out and bought St. Ides or Old English 40oz
bottles. Now, as someone who has had his shard of 40’s, I was well aware of the damaging effects they can have. That’s why myself and a good friend of
mine developed the concept of the “St. Ides Combo,” which was one 40 of St. Ides High Gravity malt liquor and a 22 of St. Ides Special Brew. Special Brew was
a slightly less alcoholic, fruit flavored malt beverage. It served the purpose of maintaining a heavy buzz while tasting good at the same time. Not everyone
was hip to the idea of moderation, however, which is why this story exists.
The party had ended and everyone had retired to the “rack room” to sleep it off. I woke up around 3 or 4am to sounds of movement and hushed voices
and poked my head out of my privacy sheets to see what was going on. What I saw remains frozen in time in my memory: a dude was standing on a small
plastic step stool in the middle of the bare floor, naked, squatting to poop. He was efforting pretty good too and managed to squeeze out a couple of turds
before we finally stopped him. I eventually found a dust pan and scooped the poop up to throw it outside. A couple of guys got the offender downstairs,
where he passed out with his tongue hanging out and touching the drain of our communal shower. After all had calmed down, we discovered that there was
even more poop; the dude had actually crapped into someone’s shoe! Oh my God, it was phenomenal.
Poop N’ Rally
So a fraternity brother of mine once had a few too many drinks. “Who hasn’t though?” you ask. Well, most of us don’t end up like my boy. He’s felling
pretty blasted after a long day of drinking, so he heads to bed a little early. Meanwhile (and we found this part out much later, but it plays well here), a young
lady is across campus having a little fun of her own. She got a little boozed up and felt the desire to felate a young man in the front yard of his apartment. This
young man just happened to be a known enemy of my buddy. But anyway, back to the story. Later in the evening, he wakes up and needs to puke, so he
walks/crawls to the bathroom where he begins to vomit. Now, he’s on his hands and knees at the time, and he’s bombed, so he’s got less bowel control than
Wildfire Rage. As his stomach is heaving, he feels a great deal of warmth in his pants and realizes that he has shit himself. Another brother heard the
commotion and decided to play the role of the Good Samaritan. He took Pukey McShitsalot downstairs and got him into the shower and helped him clean up.
Well, after washing the various bodily fluids off of himself, the drunkard is feeling pretty good, so he decides to re-introduce himself to society. He somehow
manages to strike up a conversation with a young lady, mayhap the young fillie from earlier, and they began to engage in a little old-fashioned necking and
kissing. Eventually, he let his fingers to the talking, only to discover that the girl’s Aunt Flo was in town for the weekend. Nice. So basically, in the course of a
few hours, ol’ boy got plastered, threw up, pooped himself, and made out with a chick who had had another dude’s dingus in her mouth earlier in the evening.
Probably the worst night in history.
Stairway to Heavin’
Oh, almost forgot another college story. We were heading to class and were going to head down our dorm’s west stairwell but had to stop because there
was yellow tape blocking the door. Even if the tape hadn’t been there, the smell wafting toward us was enough to keep us out; I had to cover my mouth and
fight back my gorge a couple of times. Turns out, some cat just couldn’t quite make it up to his 3rd-floor room, so he just dropped trou and dropped a deuce
right there on the 2nd-floor landing. Nice.