| Which Way to Loserville? Steve Whitewater |
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Much has been made of Boston’s recent dominance: the Pats, Sawx, Celtics, “The Departed,” Matt Damon’s “Sexiest Man Alive” honor. But what about everyone else? If one city is
winning everything, how has the civic pride been affected in all the other metro sports areas? Below is an analysis of which cities have been falling short and their prospects for a
championship in the near future. There are only three qualifications to be on this list: no team in the city or in a nearby suburb could have won a title within the past decade, the metro area
must have at least three professional teams, and the city’s name cannot be mentioned in the lyrics of “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys:
-Philadelphia: The 76ers, Eagles, Phillies, and Flyers have been mostly competitive (each team has a finals appearance in the past 15 years) but none have failed to capture that
elusive championship. The Sixers traded their best player, the Iggles have QB issues, the Phils got swept by the Rox, and the Flyers are getting over last season’s last place finish. The
next title chance? Probably the Phillies, who rode a dominant infield to a 2007 NL East title and are poised to continue the success. A potential roadblock lies in the form of Aaron Rowand,
the starting centerfielder: he is a free agent.
-Bay Area: I’m including both San Francisco and Oakland teams in this because, frankly, who can stop me? The football teams are in disarray (after prolonged Niners dominance),
the Sharks continue to underachieve each spring, the Warriors reemerged on the NBA scene last season (but they still feature Club Rio’s number one customer), and the baseball teams
are struggling after several recent division titles. The next title chance? The Sharks, who feature one of the best two-way players in all of hockey in Joe Thornton and play in one of the most
intimidating arenas. If their strong talent doesn’t win, perhaps they should just breathe on opponents: San Jose is the garlic capital of the world.
-Atlanta: Not that the Falcons would have won anyways, but Ron Mexico’s canine dalliances definitely hurt their chances in the near future. The Hawks are steadily improving with
numerous high draft picks, the Thrashers are defending division champs (marking their first ever playoff appearance), and the Braves are still solid despite consecutive playoff misses.
The next title chance? Probably the Thrashers: they feature two of the best offensive forwards in hockey in Ilya Kovalchuk and Marian Hossa and are in the NHL, which frequently features
random title contestants. Most of all, though, they are simply the best of a mediocre bunch.
-Washington, D.C.: This is a pretty depressing situation: the Capitals and Nationals suck, the Wizards are struggling this season, and the Redskins are stuck in the middle of the
pack in the poor NFC. None of these teams look to be on the cusp of brilliance, although maybe the move out of RFK will help the Nats: Gus Frerotte’s legendary sideline head butt
continues to haunt any stadium home team.
-Houston: This city barely makes the list as the Pete Chilcutt-led Rockets won their second title just a dozen years ago. The Astros have never won a title (thanks to Jermaine Dye
and Calf-zilla Roger Clemens’ World Series injury) and are reeling, but the Texans are improving and the Rockets are one of the elite NBA teams. The next title chance definitely resides in
the Toyota Center, where Yao and T-Mac have formed the best tag team since the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
-Seattle: The Seahawks have steadily declined since their ’05 Super Bowl berth, the Mariners showed signs of life this season after a recent downturn, and the Sonics are ready to
skip town. The fortunate thing is that the city’s residents are too hyped up from Starbucks coffee to realize the athletic mediocrity happening right in front of them. The next title chance?
Maybe the Oklahoma City SuperSonics. (Wow, that is just messed up.)
-Minneapolis: The Big Ticket’s departure, Johan Santana’s imminent exit, and Adrian Peterson’s frequent injuries are stressing out the kind folks in the Land of 1,000 Lakes. None
of those teams are close to championship material anyways, but the Wild are currently one of the top teams in the Western Conference and figure to have the next shot at a title. Former
North Stars fans are rejoicing.
-Cleveland: Drew Carey is having a heck of a year: all the city’s pro teams (Cavs, Browns, and Indians) are above average, he took over for Bob Barker on “The Price is Right,” and
his mediocre sitcom’s reruns are nowhere to be found on cable. LeBron led the Cavs to their first Finals appearance (thanks to his Craig Ehlo-like style of play), the Indians were a game
away from the World Series, and the Browns feature one of the top offenses in football. The final hurdle to a championship? Harry Doyle ran out of clean beaters and needs to do a wash.
Nobody said that winning championships was easy, and as these metropolitan areas can attest, it has not been for quite some time. In the coming years, hopefully some other city
can derail Boston's quest for total sporting domination. If this were to occur, perhaps we can get Boston to finally claim "Celtic Pride" as an authentic story about their home basketball
team. Daniel Stern would be greatly appreciative.
winning everything, how has the civic pride been affected in all the other metro sports areas? Below is an analysis of which cities have been falling short and their prospects for a
championship in the near future. There are only three qualifications to be on this list: no team in the city or in a nearby suburb could have won a title within the past decade, the metro area
must have at least three professional teams, and the city’s name cannot be mentioned in the lyrics of “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys:
-Philadelphia: The 76ers, Eagles, Phillies, and Flyers have been mostly competitive (each team has a finals appearance in the past 15 years) but none have failed to capture that
elusive championship. The Sixers traded their best player, the Iggles have QB issues, the Phils got swept by the Rox, and the Flyers are getting over last season’s last place finish. The
next title chance? Probably the Phillies, who rode a dominant infield to a 2007 NL East title and are poised to continue the success. A potential roadblock lies in the form of Aaron Rowand,
the starting centerfielder: he is a free agent.
-Bay Area: I’m including both San Francisco and Oakland teams in this because, frankly, who can stop me? The football teams are in disarray (after prolonged Niners dominance),
the Sharks continue to underachieve each spring, the Warriors reemerged on the NBA scene last season (but they still feature Club Rio’s number one customer), and the baseball teams
are struggling after several recent division titles. The next title chance? The Sharks, who feature one of the best two-way players in all of hockey in Joe Thornton and play in one of the most
intimidating arenas. If their strong talent doesn’t win, perhaps they should just breathe on opponents: San Jose is the garlic capital of the world.
-Atlanta: Not that the Falcons would have won anyways, but Ron Mexico’s canine dalliances definitely hurt their chances in the near future. The Hawks are steadily improving with
numerous high draft picks, the Thrashers are defending division champs (marking their first ever playoff appearance), and the Braves are still solid despite consecutive playoff misses.
The next title chance? Probably the Thrashers: they feature two of the best offensive forwards in hockey in Ilya Kovalchuk and Marian Hossa and are in the NHL, which frequently features
random title contestants. Most of all, though, they are simply the best of a mediocre bunch.
-Washington, D.C.: This is a pretty depressing situation: the Capitals and Nationals suck, the Wizards are struggling this season, and the Redskins are stuck in the middle of the
pack in the poor NFC. None of these teams look to be on the cusp of brilliance, although maybe the move out of RFK will help the Nats: Gus Frerotte’s legendary sideline head butt
continues to haunt any stadium home team.
-Houston: This city barely makes the list as the Pete Chilcutt-led Rockets won their second title just a dozen years ago. The Astros have never won a title (thanks to Jermaine Dye
and Calf-zilla Roger Clemens’ World Series injury) and are reeling, but the Texans are improving and the Rockets are one of the elite NBA teams. The next title chance definitely resides in
the Toyota Center, where Yao and T-Mac have formed the best tag team since the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
-Seattle: The Seahawks have steadily declined since their ’05 Super Bowl berth, the Mariners showed signs of life this season after a recent downturn, and the Sonics are ready to
skip town. The fortunate thing is that the city’s residents are too hyped up from Starbucks coffee to realize the athletic mediocrity happening right in front of them. The next title chance?
Maybe the Oklahoma City SuperSonics. (Wow, that is just messed up.)
-Minneapolis: The Big Ticket’s departure, Johan Santana’s imminent exit, and Adrian Peterson’s frequent injuries are stressing out the kind folks in the Land of 1,000 Lakes. None
of those teams are close to championship material anyways, but the Wild are currently one of the top teams in the Western Conference and figure to have the next shot at a title. Former
North Stars fans are rejoicing.
-Cleveland: Drew Carey is having a heck of a year: all the city’s pro teams (Cavs, Browns, and Indians) are above average, he took over for Bob Barker on “The Price is Right,” and
his mediocre sitcom’s reruns are nowhere to be found on cable. LeBron led the Cavs to their first Finals appearance (thanks to his Craig Ehlo-like style of play), the Indians were a game
away from the World Series, and the Browns feature one of the top offenses in football. The final hurdle to a championship? Harry Doyle ran out of clean beaters and needs to do a wash.
Nobody said that winning championships was easy, and as these metropolitan areas can attest, it has not been for quite some time. In the coming years, hopefully some other city
can derail Boston's quest for total sporting domination. If this were to occur, perhaps we can get Boston to finally claim "Celtic Pride" as an authentic story about their home basketball
team. Daniel Stern would be greatly appreciative.