| Stupid Cubs Fans: An Argument for Euthanasia A ScrubSports.com Special Report Clark Sheffield |
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There are a lot of people out there in the world who we all just assume are idiots. And then there are
those choice few who decide to open their mouths remove all doubt. While Cubs fans have been viewed as
idiots for many decades, there are several who have gone out of their way to prove that they are indeed
morons. As a self-proclaimed Cubs fanatic, I have taken it upon myself to seek out some of these mouth-
breathing bottom-feeders and to disown them from the Cubs family. For those of you not familiar with Cubs.
com, there is a fairly regular column called “Cubs Mailbag,” in which beat writer Carrie Muskat answers
questions from fans (I use that term loosely, as I’d prefer not to be associated with some of the mindless
schlubs who write in to her). In her most recent edition, there was a question so stupid that it incited me to
unleash a profanity-laced tirade and prompted an email from George Streeter. It also spurred me to comb
through the Mailbag editions from the past two years in search of similar questions I had read. Below are the
questions, along with Carrie Muskat’s reply and, below that, the replies I would have given had I been given
the opportunity.
those choice few who decide to open their mouths remove all doubt. While Cubs fans have been viewed as
idiots for many decades, there are several who have gone out of their way to prove that they are indeed
morons. As a self-proclaimed Cubs fanatic, I have taken it upon myself to seek out some of these mouth-
breathing bottom-feeders and to disown them from the Cubs family. For those of you not familiar with Cubs.
com, there is a fairly regular column called “Cubs Mailbag,” in which beat writer Carrie Muskat answers
questions from fans (I use that term loosely, as I’d prefer not to be associated with some of the mindless
schlubs who write in to her). In her most recent edition, there was a question so stupid that it incited me to
unleash a profanity-laced tirade and prompted an email from George Streeter. It also spurred me to comb
through the Mailbag editions from the past two years in search of similar questions I had read. Below are the
questions, along with Carrie Muskat’s reply and, below that, the replies I would have given had I been given
the opportunity.
| 11/21/05 I know Sammy Sosa had a little bit of a falling out at the end of his career with the Cubs, but, let's face it, he gave the team 12 great seasons out of the 12 1/2 he was here. This past season, he was not good and his career is about over. What are the chances the Cubs sign Sammy to a one-day contract so he can retire where he spent the majority of his Hall of Fame career and was an icon for so long? -- Ryne M., Effingham, Ill. The Cubs and Sosa have parted ways. Ryne M, please go Eff-ingham yourself. Please tell me that you were not named after Ryne Sandberg. Please don't defame him that way, it's just not cool. That juiced-up, bat-corking sonofabitch doesn’t deserve to wear Cubs blue again. Plus, the last thing anyone wants is to hear him walk up to a podium with his salsa music blaring from that atrocious ghetto blaster and saying: “The Cubs been berry, berry good to me.” Seriously, though, if your parents were cool enough to name you after my favorite player of all time and one of the best second-basemen to ever live, and you disrespected them with that crap, you need to march your lame ass to the Effingham City Hall and apply to have your name legally changed to Brooks Kieshnick. 2/6/06 Are the Cubs considering picking up Sammy Sosa to come in as a bench player if he doesn't sign with anyone else? I think he could be a big threat off the bench where the Cubs could use a little pop. -- James M., Pittsburgh No. You suck, and so does your aunt. 2/20/06 I know the bridge is burned, but is there any way the Cubs will sign Sammy Sosa? It's hard to watch somebody I grew up with go through such tough times, and it's bothersome to see the Cubs just ignore it. He deserves at least one more shot at 600 home runs in Wrigley Field, and I think seeing him do it would make everyone forget about the "walk out," and he could retire as "Slammin' Sammy." -- Chris T., Clearwater, Fla. The Cubs are looking ahead to the 2006 season. Sosa's pursuit of 600 is not their concern. And to everyone who has suggested the team bring Sosa back for one day so he can retire as a Cub, Major League Baseball does not allow one-day contracts. Chris: re-read the first 6 words in your question and then ask yourself why in the hell you bothered to continue. Do you know why he’s going through tough times? It’s because he stopped sticking a syringe full of beff ‘roids into his ass! Since when do the Cubs have an obligation to help out a dude who brought about his own demise? I’m sure fans of G ‘N R would have loved to have seen the band bring Steven Adler back for the Use Your Illusion albums, but you can’t let nostalgia stand in the way of success. 10/9/06 It seems the Cubs haven't had a winning season since trading Sammy Sosa. With the rumors about him coming back next year, what are the chances the Cubs will re-sign him and see if he is the missing piece to the Cubs' success? -- Xavier O., Hickory Hills, Ill. I don't think Sosa is the missing piece, but the Cubs do need to find some more power after being outhomered at home, 125-85. With rumors about you being an idiot, what are the chances that you’ll take a look around and find the missing piece of your brain? Not too good, eh? You are banned from wearing Cubs gear for at least the next season, which means that you’ ll have to keep your Nomar jersey in the closet. 11/13/06 I keep hearing that Sosa might be hinting at a comeback. What are the chances he'll be in Cubs blue soon? -- Luis B., Chicago Sosa has said he'd like to play again and the Cubs are looking for some offensive help, but I don't see a reunion. Godammit, when are you people going to stop with this sh!t? You would think that someone who cares enough to read the website and send in a question would have the good sense to know that Sosa sucks and is a douche. 12/11/06 I recently saw a piece on Sammy Sosa trying to get back into baseball and wishing to come back to the North Side more than any other option. Have the Cubs thought about inviting him to Spring Training? -- Eric K., Richton Park, Ill. No. Please, God, make it stop. 1/2/2008 With the signing of Kosuke Fukudome, why not go and sign Sammy Sosa to a Minor League deal and invite him to Spring Training? What could it hurt? If he has a good spring, then let him play right and move Fukudome to center. We all know Sosa strikes out, but he proved that he can still hit Major League pitching. Yes, Felix Pie is faster and has a better arm, but he can't hit. At least with Sosa, we'd get 20 home runs. Sosa deserves a second chance and I truly believe he would be a good addition to this lineup. -- Adam S., Mishawaka, Ind. If all you want is 20 home runs, fine. But with Sosa, you also get a 39-year-old outfielder who hit .243 the last three seasons he played, and averaged 110 strikeouts a year. Last season with the Rangers, he had a .311 on-base percentage. He has started more games as the designated hitter (122) than in the outfield (82) in the last two seasons. Pie was batting . 333 in the playoffs for Licey after hitting .244 in 36 games in the Dominican Winter League regular season. And my new year's resolution for 2008 is not to answer any more questions about Sosa. Just when you thought it was safe to reach back into the mailbag…someone like Adam S. comes along and totally turns the theory of natural selection on its ear. Yeah, the Cubs are going to invite Sosa to Spring Training, along with Todd Hundley and Tuffy Rhodes. Jesus, can’t you people just give it up. From now on, we’re requiring full names and complete addresses with these submissions so that I can come to your homes and deliver throat punches. Seriously, did you ask about Sammy F-ing Sosa in 2008? Have you been alive for the past 2 years to see how bad this guy sucks? Let me guess: you saw him hit his 600th HR against the Cubs and you thought he still had it? Nice one, chief. I assume you also think that Lou Holtz still coaches the Irish. |
| Stupid question Carrie's reponse Clark's response |
The utter depth and breadth of the stupidity of these questions leaves me at a loss for words. Okay, well,
not really a loss, as I was able to provide some responses. But a loss to express just how an actual fan
could take the time to type out and submit such mind-numbing drivel. I'm still steaming over that first one
from the guy named "Ryne." I can only hope he was using that name to try to add some Cubs cache to his
submission. Or maybe he was only 12. It's people like this who make it hard for me to argue with the Sox
fans out there.
not really a loss, as I was able to provide some responses. But a loss to express just how an actual fan
could take the time to type out and submit such mind-numbing drivel. I'm still steaming over that first one
from the guy named "Ryne." I can only hope he was using that name to try to add some Cubs cache to his
submission. Or maybe he was only 12. It's people like this who make it hard for me to argue with the Sox
fans out there.
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