| Super Bowl QBs |
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| As Super Bowl week kicks off in Phoenix and in every HD-owning man’s living room, the X’s and O’s and specific strategy will be analyzed ad nauseum in regard to this year’s contestants, the Giants and Patriots. And because I don’t pretend to know anything about football playbooks, I will stay away from that discussion entirely. (And I will stay away from the game entirely as well. Honestly, does anyone outside the East Coast really care about this game? The media must love it, considering it is New York vs. Boston, but who else is entranced by this epic struggle of two mismatched football teams?) I will instead take a look at the quarterbacks. Tom Brady has already built himself quite a career, with three Super Bowl titles, two Super Bowl MVPs, one NFL MVP, and one random cameo in “Stuck On You.” There are three major questions being asked about Brady leading up to Super Bowl XLII:
Brady’s counterpart in the Super Bowl is Eli Manning, an incredibly irrational notion considering Manning’s erratic and inconsistent play throughout his career. We all figured Brady would face a Manning in this year’s postseason, just not the pitchman’s little brother. Since I watched little of the Giants’ postseason games, I am finding it hard to fathom that Eli guided the G-Men into the title game. So this got me to thinking: if Eli can make it to the Big Show, who can’t? And that led me to constructing a fool-proof analysis of the top ten most random Super Bowl quarterbacks of all time. No, it’s not the best or worst, just most random- guys who you would figure carrying their family’s checkbook more than the weight of an entire football team on their shoulders. These are starters- not backups. Before unveiling the list, I have put together some Super Bowl QB statistics that may be interesting or entirely unimportant, depending on your interpretation: |
| -52: the total number of different QBs who have started a Super Bowl -26: the number of different Super Bowl-winning QBs (In this case, Joe Montana’s four titles, Terry Bradshaw's four, Troy Aikman’s three, and Tom Brady’s three only count as one.) -32: the number of different Super Bowl-losing QBs (In this case, Jim Kelly’s four losses, Fran Tarkenton’s three, and John Elway’s three only count as one.) |
| Here are the Top Ten Most Random Super Bowl QBs of All Time: (Player, Team, Super Bowl) |
| 10. Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears, XLI Sexy Rexy makes the list mostly because of his apparent ineptitude. Sure, he has shown flashes of being a legitimate league quarterback, but his 0.0 rating and his Monday night debacle in Arizona in ’06 only prove how fleeting stardom can be. It seems almost wrong that Grossman has just as many Super Bowl appearances as his XLI counterpart, Peyton Manning. The butt of NFL jokes is a free agent and his next team may just be his last. 9. Jeff Hostetler, New York Giants, XXV The engineer of the Giants’ Silver Anniversary upset of the Bills was largely a backup during his NFL career. He took the starting job from an injured Phil Simms late in the season and guided the G-Men to the first of Buffalo’s four consecutive losses. He later started in Oakland but there is little doubt that many people would have trouble locating Jeff and his big moustache in a police lineup. 8. Chris Chandler, Atlanta Falcons, XXXIII This perennial NFL backup led the Dirty Bird Falcons to their one and only Super Bowl berth, only to be stampeded over by the dominating John Elway-led Broncos. Chandler’s career was the microcosm of a typical NFL overachiever- not great, but steady, not stellar, but serviceable. Chandler must have been a decent enough quarterback because he played for a laundry list of teams, going in chronological order: Colts, Buccaneers, Cardinals, Rams, Oilers, Falcons, Bears, and Rams. It is a bit surprising that Just For Men never called Chris for a possible spokesman role…. 7. Tony Eason, New England Patriots, XX This tackling dummy was simply the unluckiest man on earth for the 1986 Super Bowl: he had to contend with Mike Singletary, Richard Dent, Steve McMichael, William Perry, Gary Fencik, and the punishing Bears’ 46 Defense. Eason played eight seasons in the NFL but barely played after the ’86 season. He did finish his career with 61 touchdowns, but most people simply remember Eason for the lasting image of him sprawled out on the Superdome turf after yet another Bears’ hit. Eason’s stats in the game: 0-6, 0 yards, sacked 3 times. What illustrious backup took his spot and led the Pats on their only touchdown drive? None other than Steve Grogan. I’m guessing Bill Belichick isn’t calling Tony anytime soon in case Brady’s foot flares up even more. 6. Trent Dilfer, Baltimore Ravens, XXXV Dilfer is almost the prototype for random Super Bowl-winning quarterback: he has played 14 seasons for five teams, has a career season high of 21 touchdown passes, has a massively receding hairline, and was cut by the team he led to a Super Bowl title! Yes, Trent, the current backup for the 49ers, was released by the Ravens after the extremely boring Super Bowl victory over the Giants. Of course, Dilfer was only asked to manage the team and let the dominating Ravens D overpower Kerry Collins, but the indignation of receiving a pink slip after a championship is something only Trent could explain. The Ravens’ first offensive touchdown in the game featured perhaps the most random QB-WR combo of all time in a Super Bowl: Dilfer-Brandon Stokley. But with the Ravens offense still as bad as ever, perhaps they could use Dilfer and his steadiness in 2008. 5. Neil O’Donnell, Pittsburgh Steelers, XXX It seems funny that O’Donnell led the Steelers to that Super Bowl, an eventual loss to the Cowboys. Neil and his beard took that shot to the arm in his career and bolted to New York, where the Jets signed him a 5 year, $35 million deal in the off-season! O’Donnell would throw only 21 touchdowns in his two years in New York and would finish his 14-year career in 2003 with the Titans. Although he threw for 120 touchdowns in his NFL career, just the thought of Neil O’Donnell’s name would make any ‘90s NFL fan snicker just a bit. His name goes right up there in that time period with Steve Bono, Todd Marinovich, Will Furrer, Wade Wilson, and Danny Kanell. 4. David Woodley, Miami Dolphins, XVII This LSU graduate spent only six seasons in the NFL, guiding the Dolphins to this Super Bowl loss to the Redskins in the process. Only once in his entire career did Woodley ever have a positive TD to INT ratio, an 8:7 in 1984 with the Steelers. There is little chance that a diehard NFL fan could remember who Woodley was, not to mention any casual football observers. Woodley also suffers the fate of starting at QB for the Dolphins in between two separate Super Bowl contestants and Hall of Famers, Bob Griese and Dan Marino. At least Woodley can take solace in knowing that Ray Finkle did not ruin his chances, saving that tragedy for Marino in 1984. 3. Joe Kapp, Minnesota Vikings, IV These pre-Tarkenton Vikings days supplied the final evidence for the AFL-NFL merger. The Chiefs whipped the Joe Kapp-led Vikes in Super Bowl IV in 1969, helping usher in greater pro football equality and ushering out Kapp from the Twin Cities. One look at Kapp’s career stats shows you everything you would want to know about why it is funny that he led a Super Bowl team: four seasons, 40 TD, 64 INT, and a 3:17 ratio in 1970 for the Boston Patriots. That last stat makes many of these previous quarterbacks look like NFL idols. Just for clarification, Joe Kapp is not to be confused with Andy Capp, he of the hot fries fame. 2. Vince Ferragamo, Los Angeles Rams, XIV I’m not sure Vince Ferragamo even knows who Vince Ferragamo is. Ferragamo is the only QB other than Kurt Warner to have ever led the Rams to a Super Bowl, and it is not known whose story is more obscure. Ferragamo had 5:10 TD to INT ratio for the 1979 Rams before succumbing to the Steel Curtain. Although Ferragamo had a 30 TD season for L.A. in 1980, his general invisibility in the NFL historian’s public eye cannot be overlooked. Ferragamo played nine seasons in the NFL, posting a 76:91 TD to INT ratio, and would have taken the top spot in this countdown, except for…. 1. Stan Humphries, San Diego Chargers, XXIX You have just got to laugh when you hear the name Stan Humphries. This Louisiana-Monroe graduate played nine seasons in the NFL, passing for 89 TD and 17,000+ yards, but there is no way that anyone could possibly name anything spectacular Stan did during his career. I bet Junior Seau, Leslie O’Neal, Rodney Harrison, and the rest of the ’94 Chargers D were chomping at the bit when facing Humphries in practice. One must wonder what opposing quarterback Humphries defeated on the way to the Chargers’ XXIX blowout by the 49ers…none other than number 5 on the list, Neil O’Donnell! |
So, there you have it, a comprehensive and detailed look at past random signal-callers in the NFL title bout. Eli Manning could never make the list because of his family name, but here’s to guessing that some other obscure QB will lead his team to the Super Bowl in the near future. And when that happens, I suppose they’ll just bump Sexy Rexy off this list. |
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