Murphy The Goat
Well, that all changed when Netflix moved into the neighborhood. Netflix was like that smoking hot divorcee who took her ex’s hard-earned cashola and bolted for the ‘burbs. All the neighbor guys are ogling her and thinking about how much greener the grass is on the other side of the hedge.
Of course, it doesn’t take long for the wives of the neighborhood to start paying a little more attention to their men. They’re putting on lingerie and doling out beejes (or BJ’s, if you will) like candy to prove they’ve still got it. Likewise, Cockblocker began offering online rental service to rival the service provided by Netflix. Then they stepped it up a notch by allowing online subscribers to exchange their mailed movies in-store for free rentals.
For a while, everyone is happy: the hot neighbor is getting some attention and driving a brand new Hummer, the husbands are getting attention and getting a few hummers, and the wives feel like they’re in control.
But then things start to slip a little: the corsets, thongs, and stockings turn back into t-shirts, briefs, and ratty sweatpants. Cockblocker somehow manages to mis-ship nearly every disc of “The Chicago Cubs Greatest Games,” specifically jacking up the Ryne Sandberg disc three separate times. Pretty soon, headaches and sleepinees limit even the most standard forms of carnal knowledge to a minimum; guys are lucky to be getting HJ’s when they had been getting ZJ’s (if you gotta ask, big boy, you can’t afford it). Unlimited in-store returns (along with 1 free-rental coupon each month) are suddenly limited to 5, without so much as a warning (emails to Cockblocker were never returned either).
At this point the options have become limited, both for the suburbanite warriors and the Cockblocker subscribers. You either stick with it and realize that even the limited dome you’re getting is better than nothing, or you walk next door and see about getting real freaky-naughty with the neighbor. The first option may force you to end up tuggin’ root at the end of most nights and the second could be either the best or worst decision you ever made.
In the end, though, I’ve got to say that I still believe even the limited action I’m getting from Cockblocker Total Access is better than a tryst with the girl next door. I mean, they’ve got that exclusive rental deal with Weinstein Productions and it is really convenient to be able to pick up rentals at the store. If I could only figure out how to get a couple more beejes a week, I’d be golden.
The “Dear God, who read this script and thought it would be a worthwhile venture” movies:
Pirates-Editing a big-budget porno into a soft-core, on-the-shelf rental is never a good idea, even if Jenna’s in it
Komodo Vs. Cobra-If you’ve channel-surfed past Sci-Fi in the last couple of years, there’s a good chance you have seen bits of this. For your sake, I hope that’s all you ever have to see.
Snakeman-Stephen Baldwin is in this, and that’s pretty much all I remember, and that’s still too much to know about it.
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie-Think Howard the Duck with a smaller budget, worse acting, and more midgets.
Machined-I have no idea what this movie was about; I read the synopsis on the envelope and still didn’t get what was going on. The only thing frightening about it was its crappiness.
The “I didn’t know jack about these going in, but they were pretty flippin’ decent” movies:
Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns-One of the very few decent entries in the MoH series, this one was a combination of The 9th Gate and The Ring, but shorter and maybe even a little weirder.
Running Scared-Yes, I have a Paul Walker movie on this list. Great action, high drama, and some really disturbing scenes make this one a must-see.
Reign Over Me-I went into this expecting very little but I was very impressed. It was probably the 8 beers I consumed before and during the viewing of this movie, but I shed tears on more than one occasion.
28 Weeks Later-More action and violence and less feel-good, lovey-dovey garbage than its predecessor.
Brick-The kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun proves that he doesn’t need John Lithgow as a crutch in this crime drama. Let’s just hope Joe Gordon-Levitt isn’t the next Kevin Bacon.
The “I forgot I had even seen these until I looked at my rental history” movies:
A Sound of Thunder-Ed Burns screws up the space-time continuum in a Back To The Future-meets-Planet of The Apes sort of disaster.
The Matador-I thought that a movie actually had to be moderately funny in order to be called a dark comedy. Apparently, that is not the case.
Firewall-Harry Ford tries, not very successfully, to pull off the action-hero thing as he creeps past 60.
Feast-It was produced by Wes Craven, Matt Damon, and Ben Affleck (Ben Who-fleck?): how could be anything but gloriously mediocre?
Journey To The End of the Night-Brendan Fraser stars in this sordid tale of double-crossing double-crossers set in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Not a bad plot, but come on: it’s Brendan Fraser.