What Not To Wear Murphy The Goat

There’s a growing problem with American sports and it has nothing to do with athletes or the records or the games themselves: it’s with the fans.  It’s a phenomenon that’s spreading through our arenas and stadiums like herpes or Britney Spears’ legs and just like those things, it’s impossible to get rid of.  And the worst part about it is that it’s going unnoticed by most of you.  I feel like Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live, as though I’m the only one who recognizes this atrocity for what it is.  For a brief moment, I had hoped that the LeBron James hat fiasco might blow the lid off the subject, but it just swept under the rug next to Carrot Top’s career.  The problem, my friends, is that too many Americans are wearing the wrong jerseys to sporting events.

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum."

Every time I have paid my hard-earned money for tickets to a game, I end up spending half my time there getting pissed off at the morons who chose to wear the jersey of a team that’s not even playing.  In many, somewhat less egregious cases, the people might be supporting the right team, but in the form a player who’s moved on in free agency or a trade.  In some instances, people might be wearing a jersey that supports a team in another sport but from one of the cities engaged in the action on the field (say, a Bears jersey at a Cubs game; I will later cover the grounds on which this is moderately acceptable).  In the most flagrant cases, someone will be wearing a jersey from an entirely different sport and different city or will be wearing the gear of a rival of one of the teams playing.  Are you keeping up so far?  In an effort to eradicate this plague, I’ve laid down a few rules, Stacey and Clinton style, and have shot down some excuses.

The Rules: 1) Thou shalt not wear the jersey of a player who is no longer on your team and is still playing.  This may be the most frequent offense, but it’s also the most casually overlooked.  “Hey, they’re still supporting the team,”  “BS,” I say.  If you were a real supporter you’d pony up some more cash and buy a new jersey.  I’ve seen way too many Edgerrin James Colts jerseys and Nomar Cubs jerseys to find this trend acceptable.  If your favorite player leaves your team via free agency or if he’s traded, you need to put the jersey back in the closet with Jeff Garcia and Brady Anderson.  Once a player retires, however, you are once again allowed to wear his jersey with pride. 2) Thou shalt not wear a jersey from another sport.  This one’s pretty simple people: don’t wear a football jersey to a baseball game.  I once saw a Red Wings jersey at a Colts/Vikings MNF game.  Huh?  Now there are some situations in which this rule may be broken, but you need exercise these options sparingly.  If you are attending one sporting event while your favorite team from another sport is playing and you want to support them, you are (grudgingly) allowed to do so.  If your team won a title and they’re being honored during halftime or a break in another sport, you are allowed to support that team.

This is an example of an acceptable jersey.  Though Len Bias never actually wore it, Celts fans can dream.  A Bobby Phills Hornets jersey would also be acceptable.

3) Thou shalt not wear the jersey of team that is not taking the field, particularly if that team is a rival.  Not only is this bush league, it’s downright stupid.  Why in the hell would you wear a Yankees jersey to a Cubs/Cardinals game?  While at a Cubs/Reds game, we counted supporters of no less than 12 other MLB teams.  Elaine Benes was kicked out of a Yankees game for wearing her Orioles hat; I just wish the Reds would have done the same to all those fools I saw. 4) Thou shalt not use the “well, I’m going to a sporting event and this is the only sports-related item of clothing I own” excuse.  I’ve cleaned more common sense than that from my 13-month-old daughter’s butt.  If you feel like you’ve got to wear something sports-related, buy something new.  Or, better yet, just wear something that has the colors of one of the competing teams in it.  If you don’t support either team, just wear something that doesn’t make you look like the total douchebag you clearly are for wanting to use the pathetic excuse above.

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